he has completely abandoned me.  just let me go.  and i can't deal with it.. i can't take it.  he was supposed to be my best friend.  and now it doesn't matter.  he has people tell me he's busy.  he ignores my calls.  i can't take this.  it hurts too much.  in his absense, i have grown towards him, and he continues to grow away.

i feel like my life is falling apart again.

so last night i had this nightmare:

i'm in the kitchen of my home.  and i am sitting at the bar.  my mom comes to me crying, repeating, 'i can't believe what those boys did to those animals. and to the pilots.'  and i don't know what she is talking about, so i ask. she tells me these boys, they slaughtered these goats, ripped their guts out, cut their heads off, laughed while doing it.  while she tells me this, i see them doing it.  they watch me while doing it.  telling me i'm next.  they killed these men, these pilots the same way.  and i'm in my car next.. driving down my road, about to hit this one curve in my road.  this deep curve.  and right before i hit it, before the trees blanket the sky, i see these white birds flying above my head.  birds with long necks.  i try to remember this throughout the dream as peace.  i feel so much fear, so much anxiety.  then, i'm walking down this road, in what seems to be drexel.  liam is walking next to me.  we walk next to the laundromat, and there is a long line.  liam runs to get in line, and this man drives by and looks at me.  he's one of the men who slaughters the goats.  he's wearing glasses and looks too big for his car.  he watches me.  turns around, and drives by again.  this time he waves, and i flip him off.. dropping whatever i was carrying in my arms.  he turns off to come into the parking lot in which i am walking.. i start screaming.. i yell for liam.  he runs over to me.. catches my arm.  and undercover cop is walking by.. and i run to him.. asking for help.. liam says to him.. she doesn't know the difference.. and asks if i really want help.. and i start crying and saying yes.. i see the man running for me.. and i start to go down.  the undercover cop gives me a shot in my forehead.. and i start to go numb.. and then my skin begins to burn..

i woke up after that sweating. burning. in tears.  fear so heavy, i felt paralyzed.  i call trey.. i freak out.  i can't move.  someone is watching me.  he tries to assure me that i am okay.  that no one is stalking me.  YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND i yell.  i tried talking reason to myself.  to him.  to whomever was watching.  i couldn't sleep much after that.  paranoia lasted until this morning.  my mom walked me to my car so i could go to the doctor.  she said its a combination of my sister leaving and of stress.  all i could think about were the goats.  and the pilots.  i think i left a part of my mind with them.  and really, all that is left now, is a unrelentless fear of the dark, and of my windows. 

Currently Playing You Are Free By Cat Power see related

so, i just got back from the doctor. and i am now the proud owner of a prescription to zoloft.    yeah.. and i have been having dreams of stalkers. 

i'm going back to bed.

Currently Playing Meat Is Murder By The Smiths see related

okay, so i am somewhat stressed out, and somewhat not. 

i haven't worked on any part of my SP, but i also realized today that I can cut out alot of the crap, and just get straight to the point with the website I am going to make.   Its all due Tuesday, which is the only bad part about this.. but dangit, I am going to get it finished, whether I have to stay up ALL weekend just to finish.  I also need to figure out what I am going to do for halloween, because really, i have no freakiing clue what i am going to do.

anna and i are just fine now, thank goodness.  i was starting to worry about the poor girl, but really, i think she was stressed out due to all the applications she has been filling out.  speaking of which, i must get cracking on that next week.  this week, i have been so apathetic to everything, not having any motivation to even get up in the morning.  its been hard, but i will make it dernit.  Today, I must go find a freaking halloween costume for tomorrow night.  And i made all these promises of going here and there tonight, but instead, I think I may go trick or treating with my little brothers and then come home to work on my SP stuff.  and then wait until tomorrow to paaarrrrtaaaay.

i have decided I need more control over myself.. and one way i am acheiving this control is my diet.  i start my fast on saturday, and we'll see where it goes, but i am not doing it just for control, but for religious issues as well. 

oh, and liz is coming with me to the animal liberation rally in DC, and i am excited as crap.  Anna was talking about coming.. but we'll see   and then liz is talking about getting me tickets to the King Crimson/Living Color show in NYC in two weeks.  OMG.. that would be freaking incredible, but we'll see.  i am crossing my fingers.. hoping she can hook it up.. i would love her forever.  wait, i already do ;)  okay, i must go.. but i will provide more updates later.